


Broken Memories

by questionably_queer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Pining, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-15 21:26:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11239572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/questionably_queer/pseuds/questionably_queer
Summary: This is my very first fic! So sorry if it's really bad. Basically romance with some good old pinning and drama. And of course THE INSANELY COOL JARED KLEINMAN. I plan on this being a multi-chapter fic so stick around





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, so this is my first fic on here. I also might post some fanart. I do plan on making this a multi- chapter fic so stick around. I have no idea where I want to go with this but its probably going to be a evan/conner or an evan/jared or maybe a little of both. I am going to try and figure out an update schedule but there's a high chance it will be twice a week on Tuesday and Thursday. Also, I do not have a beta reader so if there are any errors in grammar or problems with the format please tell me in the comments and I would be happy to fix it. And lastly if there is anything you want to see in this fic tell me in the comments and I will try my best to add it! I hope you enjoy!

It was 6 A.M. on a Saturday and Evan still had a week before his senior year of high school so he was sitting atop a 40 foot oak tree staring out at the glistening sun.The sky was covered with reds, oranges, and purples as the sun slowly rose. Evan was surrounded by green and he could feel the bark underneath him, the rough wood poking through his khaki’s. The faintest touch of heat kissed his soft skin as the park was engulfed in the morning sun.

Evan loved everything about the orchard, it was quiet and peaceful and for him that was as close as it got to heaven. The trees made him happy, like if he didn’t have any friends he knew he’d at least have them. They were comforting and he didn’t feel like he had to hide who he was or watch what he said. He could sit there for hours talking about his day, his problems, everything. He was allowed to be himself for once without someone judging him. The trees just understood.

For a second it almost felt like he was stuck in the perfect snapshot. A moment where everything was okay, his dad hadn’t left, his mom didn’t work so much. A time when she was around and happy. A high school where he had friends and his life wasn’t the shitstorm it is, but it didn’t last. He could no longer see the beautiful trees, or the rising sun, the glistening dew turned hazy and reality brought him crashing back, the thought of school hitting him like a brick. Anxiety flooded his senses and all the good he once saw overflowed with doubt.

_What if he made a fool of himself. Who was he kidding he always made a fool of himself. He was Evan Hansen, it was inevitable. This year was going to be just like all the rest; no friends, unless Jared counted, what are you thinking Evan, of course Jared didn’t count, he’s only your “family friend”. He just hangs out with you so his parents pay his car insurance. Jared Kleinman doesn’t actually like you. He’d be better off if you just left him alone. Everyone would be happier if you just disappeared. You only cause them pain and money. You’re useless and you always will be and you never should have existed._

_What does it matter it’s not like anyone notices you anyways._

His breathing was now heavy and his mind was still going a mile a minute. Evan needed a way out and quick. Everything was eating him up from the inside and he just couldn’t take it anymore. He felt as if though he would be swallowed alive and it hurt. Then he just let go. His hands scratched against the rough bark.

He was falling. Plummeting downward 80 feet until the hard dirt finally came. He just layed there on the bottom of the forest floor waiting. He so desperately wanted to disappear but he kept laying there, very much alive.

His arm was numb and everything hurt. Tears began to well in his eyes. _It didn’t work. God you’re such a fuck up._ And he cried, he bawled his eyes out for what felt like hours, nobody came to find him, so he laid on the dying grass, a mess, nothing more than a sum of broken parts. _Fuck what was he gonna tell his mom! What if they found the-_ but his thoughts were cut off as wind blew against his face, the trees went dark and everything faded to black.

_He was alone. That’s how it would always be._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thnx for reading


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan wakes up in the hospital confused, disappointed, and very much in pain. However an unexpected and slightly unwelcome visitor preocupies his mind with anxiety.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So huzzah! Chapter 2! This is probably really bad and the dialogue sounds weird but I hope you like it. Thank you so much for the kudos, I know its only two but they literally made my day. Also I've decided on where I want to go with this and I'll update the tags. I'm going to try and update daily since my chapters are really short but we will see how that goes. And don't worry THE INSANELY COOL JARED KLEINMAN will be making an appearance in the next chapter.

 

Bright white. That's all Evan could see and for a second he thought he was dead. Thought that maybe he finished the deed. No one would have to deal with him anymore. Except the white was just the lights and he was lying in a room that he soon realized was a hospital. The bed was white, the sheets were white, the walls were white. Everything was white and it was all so overwhelming.

 The sheets were rough and they scratched at his bare, aching thighs. God he hurt all over. As he glanced out the window, trying to take his mind off the pain, he could see the sky was beginning to fade and the sun slowly setting.

 He was in an awful gown that smelled like cleaners. His hand had a starch white cast on it and his chest was bandaged.  And it all came back to him, the tree, falling, everything. But a sharp pain in his chest quickly preoccupied him and his worry would have to wait.

 Until a nurse barged in wearing a smock with little daisies on it, _Daisies? His mom had that same smock,_ and then it dawned on him,  “Mom!” was all he could get out before the lump in his throat cut him off. _How was he going to explain this. He was probably costing her so much money. She’s going to hate you now._

 Except there was no anger, she just looked tired, and her eyes were red and puffy like she had been crying. And you could see the pity and it was gut-wrenching. She was looking at him like he was a frail animal and if she touched him he would break into a million pieces. Little did she know he was already broken beyond repair.

 “Hi baby, how you feeling?”, her voice was quiet, only a little louder than a whisper. But Evan was tired, he didn’t have the energy to come up with a lie so he opted for just not answering. At this Heidi’s eyes only grew sadder and she began to walk out before she stopped to say something Evan couldn’t quite hear but he thought it was ‘I love you’

 His eyes shut again and the next time he woke up there was a boy sitting in the corner tapping his foot anxiously. He was beautiful. He had bags under his eyes and his hair was a greasy knotted mess but he still looked gorgeous. Until Evan realized who was actually sitting in the chair and he was horrified. His eyes became bloodshot and filled with panic.

  _Co_ _nnor Murphy? As in the Connor Murphy? Why is there a Murphy in my room? Oh god he’s going to beat me up. I bet he came here just to make fun of me because I'm lame and weak and why wouldn’t he laugh at me? I would laugh at me. Oh god I’m gonna get a black eye, or he’s gonna yell at me. Or maybe both._

 But Conner wasn’t yelling, he didn’t even get up or talk for that matter. He was just sitting there with his head down. He almost looked dead. Except Connor stood up and Evan’s suspicions were put to rest. What Evan hadn’t realized was that in his panic he had closed his eyes and it probably looked a lot like he was sleeping. Honestly right now all he really wanted to do was sleep. He was exhausted but the matter at hand kept him awake with panic.

 He could feel Connor's gaze  piercing through him and he felt himself squeeze his own eyes shut tighter. But soon footsteps were leaving the room and when Evan opened his eyes again Connor was gone along with any trace that he was even there.

  _What was that and why was Connor Murphy even here?_

 After Conner left Evan just sat there in silence completely mesmerized by what had just happened. A couple nurses came in and out to check in on him briefly or to fix his I.V. At one point the doctor came in and told Evan he had broken his wrist, hence the cast as well as bruised two ribs, which explained the pain in his chest. The doctor also told him he was going to be fine as long as he took his medication and he would be released tomorrow afternoon.

 It was 11.00 when his mom finally came back. She looked even more worn out than before. She didn’t say anything, instead she simply walked over and sat on the bed next to him and Evan fell asleep to her softly stroking his hair and humming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you soooooo much for reading yet another chapter of this probably horrible fanfic. Also Kudos and comments make my day cause I'm an attention whore.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm really bad at these so instead,  
>  I hope you're having a good evening or day or whatever time it is where you are!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEYO PEOPLE READING THIS. AS PROMISED ANOTHER CHAPTER TODAY. AND GUESS WHAT...ENTER THE INSANELY COOL JARED KLLEINMAN AS NARRATED BY THE INSANELY COOL JARED KLEINMAN. Jared will be narrating today opposed to Evan, i hope i did him justice ( i probably didn't at all) 
> 
> sorry if it feels like you're reading the same thing, were still at the hospital. i don't want to go too fast. i promise next chapter will be the first day of school and the infamous Conner Murphy will make a second and more prominent appearance.   
> i hope you enjoy and sorry for my crappy writing

Monday had already arrived and Heidi had called Jared telling him Evan would be released today. Originally Heidi had called him last night to inform him of Evan’s injury but Jared was already asleep and nothing could stir him at that point. He had to set 4 alarms just to wake up in the morning.

So here Jared was, frantically getting dressed because his best friend, Evan probably doesn’t think of you as a best friend, _you already told him you're only ‘family friends’. Fuck Jared, you’re such an ass. He probably thinks you don’t even like him._ Correction. His ‘family friend’ was in the hospital, alone.

After a much too long car ride to Memorial Hospital, Jared arrived at the front desk of the pediatric unit. There was a tall woman a couple feet away who was obviously working on something and hadn’t yet noticed Jared was there. He waited a couple minutes and a few strained excuse me’s made it out of his mouth but to no avail. He could already feel his body tensing, he just wanted to see Evan, to make sure he was alright. Yeah that's it, just to make sure he was alright.

_Not because Evan’s smile made him happy and his eyes, his they were so beautiful. A sparkling blue that he could never look away from. Yup nothing gay about that. He just wanted to check on his ‘family friend’ totallynothisbestfriendthathetotallydidn’thaveacrushon. Definitely not._

Finally Jared lost his patience and he let his temper run wild, he nearly shouted as he spoke, “I need to see someone immediately,”, She turned around, clearly annoyed but with an expectant look in her eye as if she was now waiting for Jared just as he had for her moments ago. But he answered nonetheless speaking even louder and faster than before, “Evan Hansen, What room is Evan Hansen in!?” She sighed loudly and a few moments passed of clacking on her keyboard, she then stood up again and said with a low drone,”Room 216” before scampering off to her previous work.

Except Jared didn’t notice any of this or even stop and say thank you for he was too busy charging down the halls in search of Room 216. As the door approached Jared slowed down and stopped to catch his breath, he was now heaving and had slunk down against the wall until he was sitting on the cold tile nursing his inhaler, frantically gasping for air.

Once he felt his breathing had calmed he slowly rose and began approaching the door. It was a simple light brown wood, no window, just a black marker that read 216 and he smashed it open shouting ”HEY ACORN!!” at an excruciatingly high pitch.

Jared swore he saw Evan jump three feet off the bed when he spoke.

_God you're so stupid. Why did you do that? You probably scared him senseless. Fuck, Jared can’t you just be normal for once and not hurt people._

When he realized he was just standing there he tied to crack a joke but both it and himself just sounded stupid and Evan looked terrified. There was another long silence and Jared tried his best to fill it but all that came out was incoherent rambling, “ I-um I-I’m not sure why I- I'm..shit! Sorry! I uh...how areyouareyouokay? That's a stupid question, sorry I uh- of course you're not okay you fell from a tree and I'm sorry I don’t know why I came...well I do b-but anyways..”, his voice got louder and you could tell he was panicking, his words were so fast you could hardly understand them.

Evan was still in his bed, eyes wide and confused before Jared started rambling again, “I uh, your mom called me and told me what happens and I thought I-I would visit b-but, I'm sorry I’m bothering you. Ihopeyoufeelbetter I'll see you in Monday.” he was talking so fast and before he knew it he was out of words.

Is this what Evan meant when he said his hands started to get all clammy because Jared was starting to understand that right about now. His face was red and he was gone just as quickly as he came leaving Evan in nothing more than a confused mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jareds totally got the hots for evan and i love it, but does evan feel the same way? you'll just have to keep reading to find out. let the angst and drama commence. 
> 
> Also guys kudos and comments make my day (wink wink)


	4. Chapter 4

Don't worry this is not a hiatus. I just wanted to let you guys know that the next chapter will be updated on Friday this week. This is just cause I feel like I need to take more time editing my chapters so I'm going to do a once a week update but with chapters double the length. Also I went through and read some of the old chapters and there is some stuff I want to fix and add. So I'm going to repost the first three chapters tomorrow with edits and corrections.That's all. Once again there will be an update on Friday and from there it will be weekly.

 

I'm so sorry for this inconvenience and I hope you guys will keep reading this but if you don't want to I totally understand. 

See ya on friday!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am soo sorry guys


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Schooooool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so so sorry that this update took so long. I've been working a lot and I know that's no excuse but here you are now. I'm going to try and get the next chapter out at a reasonable time.

_School. Oh god school. Like actual people school. What's Jared going to say? And what was that whole thing with Connor, why was he there, and Jared he seemed so... Unlike himself. I'm not ready for this, I can't. It's too much.…._

Thank god for his alarm. Otherwise he would have been spiraling deeper into another anxiety attack if not for the loud blaring of his phone beeping. And then Heidi would have to come up and he would be a mess before the first day of senior year and everything would be so much worse than it already was.

That was the last thing he needed, Another year of no friends. A year of people pushing him in the halls and being the anxious kid. The days when he couldn't even make it through the first period because it got so bad. To the point of having to ask Jared to drive him home. You could always see the annoyance on his face. He hated it, but he had Jared. Even if it wasn’t real, he had someone and that was better than nothing.

Jared was more than Evan could have ever asked for. Sure he was annoying sometimes and his jokes usually made Evan feel like shit but he would never tell him that. He was too afraid Jared would ditch him if he said anything and Evan didn’t think he could handle that so he would just keep doing what he always did, nothing.

But look where that got him, in a hospital only causing more inconvenience to others.

The past week before school started, after Evan was released from the hospital his mom had gone full helicopter mode. Especially when they found the scars, he now saw a therapist once a week opposed to every other. It was all they could afford and Evan already felt bad he was costing so much money and everything reasonably sharp in his room was gone. I’m such a disappointment. _I can't even properly kill myself._

But worst of all his little freak out had pushed his mom to work even more just to pay the bills. Most nights she came home at 2 and 3 in the morning when she thought Evan was asleep. He never was but he couldn’t tell her that, she would only work herself harder for sleep medication. So he kept it all inside as the minutes ticked by before he had to leave for school.

Slowly he creeped down the stairs expecting to be alone but to his surprise Heidi was still down stairs, Cooking?. Heidi was humming at the stove making pancakes and for a brief moment he thought maybe everything could be okay but when Heidi turned around and unveiled the bags under her eyes he quickly knew that could never be.

“Hey Honey, Good morning.”, Heidi’s chiper voice echoed through the room. She then handed him a plate of pancakes and a glass of orange juice smiling through it all.

“I gotta dash but I love you honey! Make sure you eat lunch and maybe try to make some friends. I’m not sure when I'll be home but I left a twenty on the counter. Maybe order some pizza. Love you!”

“Love you mom! I will”, was all Evan could get out but it wasn’t true. He wouldn’t eat and he most definitely would not make any friends. He would just tell her that he tried and she would smile and say okay and then Heidi was gone out the door leaving Evan alone once more.

So he scraped his still full plate into the trash and walked out the door bag in hand woefully unprepared for the oncoming day.

(convenient time skip cause i don’t know what to write here)

When Evan finally got to school he was surprised to see that Jared wasn’t there like usual but he tried not to worry. Like that was possible. _He's probably just running late is All. It's not like he ditched you or anything. Right?_

Desperately trying to shake away his panic Evan left for his first period, science was one of his favorites and he always looked forward to it. He was ready to tackle the day, or so he thought.

When he walked out the door of classroom 105 he just wanted to run away from it all. His whole body was shaking and he could have sworn he might have just bounced away. Some kid had made fun of his cast and for once Jared wasn't there to protect him.

Once lunch came around he wasn't hungry so he opted for heading to the library. The halls were empty on the way there and he could hear every step he made. The pitter patter of his feet echoing through the halls. His chest was rising and falling at an alarming rate so when he saw Connor Murphy walking straight towards him every logical part of his brain shut off and he dashed towards the closest bathroom he could find hoping there weren't footsteps following him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope that wasn't horrible


End file.
